Having been brought within the figurative circle of those who have been shown beyond doubt of his extraordinary powers and well-intentioned spiritual teaching, and having been drawn - largely despite myself - into the sphere of Sai Baba and been engaged there for so long, I feel I have to face the challenges to the understanding which now arise in it. I do not wish to do any injustice to anyone, for I seek both facts and truth with what faculties I may possess and must use. Without becoming laughably inconsistent, we cannot to my mind say that God is in everyone and everything, yet hold that only Sai Baba is able to will anything that happens, as many devotees actually say. To my mind, that speaks only of invalid logic, irrational belief and a weak will. What I write, for example, cannot have been predetermined independently of my conscience and will. We all choose how much or little we are willing to learn, grow, rethink, transform ourselves and express our inherent values. Regarding divinity as in everyone (SB holds that everything is divine), we all must be partakers in the scenario and agents of its development... within the limits set by those cosmic laws that govern us all. If everything is to be accepted as a gift from God, whatever it is, it will include this website. To any who doubt me, I swear by all that is good that what I publish here IS true to the very best of my knowledge, the facts having been investigated as far as I could, and carefully cross-checked.

On holding back the truth if hurtful? SB thinks it best to keep to ourselves thoughts that would hurt others if expressed. But then the question arises, 'Which others?' Experience shows that someone will always be offended by almost anything anyone says, however true and however well-meant or positive. Further, one asks how always speaking agreeably and never telling what is unpleasant to anyone can be reconciled to SB's insistence on unity of thought, word and deed?' To dissemble and pretend otherwise than what one thinks and feels is deceit, and this is often seen among leaders in the Sai movement. I am aware of the vulnerability of those who need to cling regardless to the belief that all is well in the sphere of SB, but I cannot afford to help sustain their illusions by not speaking out.

I can just hear Sai followers retorting in quasi-humble bemusement, "And what do we mere humans know about 'truth'." Well, if it were futile for us mere fallible mortals to try to learn the truth about matters in the here and now, that would make life that much less worth living. One recommended spiritual method of truth-seeking is to pray for realisation... pray on endlessly and wait for the truth to drop into one's lap. Let those who prefer to risk all on that do so, but there is little evidence that it is fruitful, though some mystics say that some do succeed, if less than one in a million. There is eternal truth and there are many worldly facts, but surely these can't be ENTIRELY foreign to one another? If the higher truth about which Sai Baba always talks flies in the face of all worldly facts, then it seems pointless even to talk about it, for it is beyond any understanding. As to what to tell or not about events at the ashram and concerning Sai Baba, I agree with the proverb 'a half-truth is often worse than a lie'.

One of Baba's most famous aphorisms is 'silence is the language of realisation'. Nonetheless, SB talks a great deal, and is ever holding long and drawn-out discourses. In the world, language is a personal, social and economic necessity for the great majority of people. Those of us who have to live in the world, however little we may be worldly-attached in spirit, can at best try to say whenever possible only what is true, kind and necessary. The danger is, though, that by not being ourselves and allowing self expression when we really feel the need - saying what we really feel and think - an air of unreality hangs around us, even until we can hardly breathe. This false atmosphere is not always noticed until it envelops a group of persons, such as is very often the case at ashrams and in religious communities. One wishes only to hear whatever supports what they already believe, and in the social vacuum that this develops, one is so righteously 'right-handed' that soon one can't even see recognise what one's own left hand is doing.

A new regime of threats from SB: Those Sai followers who are well-balanced enough to learn and investigate open-mindedly are still relatively few, it seems. But it does take time and some personal courage. I feel that those who stick their heads in the sand do so more because of fear than for love or righteousness... fear of losses of all kinds. The loss involved would include imagined 'grace', if branded a poor devotee, a Judas, and even a demon by SB - terms he used against his critics and those who 'betray' him in his discourse on Christmas day, 2000, of all days- as if to sneer at and deride the message of forgiveness that Jesus preached, and even during his crucifixion! This reveals more about SBs real, hidden nature than most of his utterances! It suggests a colossal ignorance of Jesus' teaching and the significance of Christmas to Christians!

The vagueness of SBs threats - exactly what 'sins' they apply to - appears well-designed to cow devotees into total submission of any injustice and acceptance of any kind of wrong-doing or cover-up by anyone involved in SB's institutions.

Uncritical acceptance of all one sees and hears and the cultivation of 'blind faith' - especially when this enhances oneself and one's sense of self-importance - opens for a heavy fall from faith once a few disappointments and disillusions force their way in. From enthusing about Sai Baba and all things positive connected therewith, some appear to have swung to the opposite extreme, denying almost all they held to be true 'only yesterday'. What is true - pro or contra - can be ignored for a long time, but not always by everyone! I have exercised much restraint and continuous reflection upon my own mind and personal, experiential knowledge before reaching the unfortunate conclusions I have had to draw. Many find it too hard to remain undecided until doubts are resolved... for most people everywhere like to get rid of uncertainty quickly and would even prefer to live with false certainties than with inconclusiveness. Unfortunately, this I have found to be just as common in the Sai movement as elsewhere, if not more so. The discoveries I have made and certain conclusions to which I am impelled are the subject of the various items on these pages.